Tag: PseudoScientific Paper

drip Abbott buys everyone a beer, it’s his round.

Commonwealth departments, including universities, complain theirs is 3/4 full1. Abbott explains that they will be so efficient at drinking the alcohol that he’s bought them a full pint equivalent by giving them a 3/4 pint. Abbott points out that Defence has to do the same; but the departments point out that Abbot’s bought Defence this round, plus the next two rounds right now2; plus the extra 1/4 point is served as a chaser3.

Foreign aid pipes up that it’s only got a half pint4, and that one of Defence’s extra pints has “Foreign Aid” written on them. Abbott points out that Defence promised to show him how to drink a “Joint Strike Fighter” shot, but needed the extra pints for it5.

Family points out that not only are they getting cut off after 1 standard drink, rather than 26, Abbot’s no longer contributing petrol money for them to drive everyone home7 – as the designated driver. Abbot’s also stopped helping out to pay the GP Toll on the way home8, so they are going to have to take the long way through Emergency – but there’s a risk that Emergency will be closed off and they’ll be sent back through the GP Toll anyway9. Plus they have to drop the kids off. The 25 year old kids off, who Abbott says can’t look after themselves so won’t allow them to go their own way home10. Pensioners say “here here”, and then are confused as there used to be more of them but now it’s an over 70’s club11.

Low income earners nod along to Family’s woes and stare at their beers. Which they can’t currently drink, as they came out of the freezer and are yet to thaw12. Abbott says they’ll last longer this way.

Higher income earners start to pipe up about how they’ve been given the wrong drink, as it’s 2% less alcohol than what they want, but they decide to keep their traps shut. Abbott has promised they’ll be back to full strength in a three rounds time13.

SBS and ABC have also been served the wrong beers, these are 1% less alcohol than they asked for14. Also, the ABC had negotiated access to the foreign beers menu last time but Abbott has said imports are too fancy and has limited them to domestic15.

The unemployed just scowl into their tonic waters, as Abbott says they don’t get a beer until his next round16. After they wash his car17. Disability notes their seat has been edged to be butt-to-butt with unemployed18. Neither are pleased.

Infrastructure is being quiet and needs a tray to carry their drinks19, but they are careful to sit next to the recycling bin to put their empties in as they get a 5c deposit returned this way20. Which is given to Abbott to share as he wants. Mining also has a tray, but sits a distance from Infrastructure so they don’t attract attention21. They also have been told next round they don’t have to buy Abbott that chaser he usually wants, so this is nice22.

Indigenous affairs looks at their place. While they used to get a XXXX Lite, and were told to be grateful for that, they now have a home brewery kit and a “Best of Luck” card23. This kit is, however, locked, and the beer mat contains a scavenger hunt map through police stations at Jobs, Land and Economy, Children and Schooling, Safety and Wellbeing, Culture and Capability, and Remote Australia – if they don’t visit all locations they don’t get the keys to open it24.

The Public Service complains, as they have been given a new barstool that is much, much smaller than before25, and they don’t have the drink they ordered. Abbott says he got them a yard glass. The National Gallery points out the yard glass has mixed Lager, Stout, Red Wine and G&T in it. Abbott says they’re sharing the yard glass with some other departments as a merger. The National Archives, National Portrait Gallery and National Library don’t mind, insists Abbot. It’s a cocktail! The Public Service asks where the garnish was, Abbott says he sold it to another table26. It’s still a cocktail!

Students: *mutters* “Molotov”.
Abbot: “Pardon?”
Students: “Mazel Tov!”
Abbot: “Same to you!”
Abbot: *aside, to Liberal Party* “Can we move these foreign students to the Manus Island table? Get some ANU campuses over there, the rates will be cheaper”
Abbot: *aloud* “Remember, students, I’ve got you a XXXX Gold now; but as soon as you’re working you owe me three Harvey Wallbangers, right? Unless you take a long time to get a job, then it’s four.”Abbott then burps loudly, doesn’t excuse himself, and steps outside to urinate on a tree.


  1. Efficiency Dividend []
  2. $1.5 billion in spending from 2017-18 to earlier years []
  3. Any efficiencies found in Defence costs will be reinvested back into Defence, unlike the majority of other Commonwealth departments []
  4. The Government is stripping $7.6 billion out of the foreign aid budget over five years []
  5. []
  6. reduced the cut-off for Family Tax Benefit B to $100,000 from $150,000 []
  7. petrol excise, which will now be indexed to inflation every six months []
  8. GP co-payment of $7 ($5 of which the Government will take), for the first 10 visits to the GP per year ($70). After 10 visits, patients with concession cards and children under 16 will be exempt from the fee. []
  9. Hospitals will also be allowed to charge for visits to emergency rooms by patients with ailments that only require a visit to a GP. []
  10. age of eligibility for Newstart to be raised from 22 to 25, and school leavers being forced to waits six months to be eligible for Youth Allowance []
  11. The pension age will rise to 70, in 2035 []
  12. frozen thresholds of eligibility for welfare payments as well as the payments themselves []
  13. 2 per cent Debt Levy, kicking in for those on incomes greater than $180,000 per year; however, this levy will only affect them for three years []
  14. lose 1 per cent of their annual funding over the next four years []
  15. The ABC has lost the contract for Australia Network, saving the Government $196 million over nine years []
  16. age of eligibility for Newstart from 22 to 25, people under 30 who become unemployed will have to wait six months to be eligible for Newstart, and will only be able to claim it for six months before the benefit is cut for another six months []
  17. Job seekers under 30 will also have to do 25 hours per week []
  18. Disability pension recipients who are under 35 will also face tougher criteria to remain on the pension, with the focus on those who can work to any capacity being reintegrated into the workforce. []
  19. $11.6 billion in funding for new projects []
  20. Part of this funding takes the form of an asset recycling scheme, where the Federal Government would contribute up to 15 per cent of the value of any State assets that are invested in new infrastructure projects. []
  21. The Government will provide $100 million over four years for minerals exploration, spared mining an increase in the diesel fuel excise []
  22. $3.4 billion over the next three years from the abolition of the Minerals Resource Rent Tax []
  23. $534 million to be cut from Indigenous programs []
  24. more than 150 programs, grants and activities to be replaced with five broad-based programs, new funding announcements include $54 million allocated to police stations to be built []
  25. scrap the jobs of 16,500 Commonwealth public servants, seventy federal agencies are set to be scrapped, and the Government has put the remaining agencies on notice []
  26. investigate the sale of Defence Housing Australia and the National Mint []

Digital Rights Management has always had more basis in faith than science. Media companies cling to it as holy doctrine, quoting scripture and verse about fiscal damage caused by a single shared song that impacts the studio’s bottom line with a Fibonnacian acceleration. Even their own publicising of evidence to the contrary fails to deter their conviction1. The only reasonable response, then, is to approach the issue on their terms. Therefor, I shall explain Digital Rights Management using Greek Mythology2.

People are expected to pray to deities. They have a number of deities to chose from, each with their own spheres of influence, zEAus for example had dominion over Games3 and Apple-o was in charge of Music4. Praying to the deities cannot conclusively be proven or disproven to have any effect on the prayer-givers, thus being the first example of the customers being the product and not the client. Fire was controlled thanks to a strict, yet simple, Direct Religious Manifestation (DRM) called a Lightning Bolt, which struck where it willed with the whim of the gods. One of the Titans not sentenced to Hades5, named Anonymetheus6 stole the secret of fire, removed the DRM, and proceeded to share it via all networks available. Being reasonable deities, and knowing Anonymetheus was behind the theft, the pantheon responded practically by targeting Anonymetheus compatriots – humans – sending yet more advanced DRM via an early prototype of the Trojan horse – Pandora’s .JAR7. Opening this .JAR resulted in all the evils that plague humanity to be unleashed8

So now that we have an analogue for the current situation, what happens next?

  • Anonymetheus doesn’t warn zEAus of an ill-advised tryst, their ‘merger’ resulting in another demi-god910
  • Anonymetheus gets chained down with an Angry Bird until he’s rescued by one of zEAus’ previous ‘outputs’
  • Anonymetheus and zEAus settle their differences.
  • New pantheon start-ups successfully get a kick-start into effectiveness, claiming most of the pantheon’s worshipers and the gods are reduced to Disney movies.

Therefore, using the media’s own preferred logic of abject faith and absence of facts, the emotive11 course is to titan your belts and return your focus on to why people were devout to you in the first place. Tend the places of worship12 and watch over your flock. If the sand shows one set of footprints, and those footprints are headed towards a cliff, don’t be surprised when suddenly there are many footprints going in the direction of away.

  1. Plenty of evidence []
  2. Very badly []
  3. And the sky, perhaps indicating the desire for cloud-computing []
  4. And plagues, making for a virus free platform []
  5. Titans fathered the gods, gods deposed Titans and sent them to hell, thus reality TV was made inevitable []
  6. Well, the Titans were legion []
  7. Look it up []
  8. Always on internet requirements, license keys, non-transferrable item codes, twenty minutes of unskippable copyright warnings, etc. etc. etc. []
  9. Demi-god? sub-sidiary? []
  10. OK, that was tenuous []
  11. As much as this is a logical discussion, logic seems to be media companies’ kryptonite []
  12. Whatever platform, genre or skill []

It has occurred to me that the Australian Internet Filter is being debated at such a high level that the average person will not understand what the fuss is about. After all, child pornography is bad and the filter will stop that badness (so they’ve been told), which means people are either pro-filter or child pornographers(1). This is not the fault of the average person. By keeping actual intelligent discourse at bay via whinging and bluster, both the pro-filter and anti-filter camps are doing all parties(2) a disservice. Time to change the game by framing the argument how true, thoughtful, engaged, REAL Australians will understand. By comparing it to booze.

Unless it was being syndicated on prime time television via “20-1 Worst Vehicular Homicides”, the Australian public disapproves of the National road toll higher than the football scores. Since there are elections at some point in the future, and the easiest way of ‘representing the people’ is to find a set of figures and skew them, the Australian Government decided to tackle road-related deaths as an election platform. One solution that worked acceptably in individual boozer trials was found to be filtering the shopping process. The logic was extensible and sound – acquisition of the stronger and more left-of-center alcoholic beverage could be directly related(3) to blood-alcohol level induced road incidents. Time for the government to swing into action with a Filter™.

The “Filter™” – Fluid Imbibing Limitation by Teetotalesque Enjoyment Restrictions

This Filter™ was a small box that attached itself to the shoulders of anyone trying to purchase items from any shop in Australia. This friendly little device watched everything the shopper did and compared it to a list of Refused Cashification (RC) booze-related items, including but not limited to hard liquor, anything with more than five syllables, and anything made overseas that isn’t paying a large tithe to the government. This list was maintained by a shadowy oversight committee – possibly in dark robes in buildings with far too many archways, possibly not. The filter looked at everything a microscopic fraction of a second before the person did and, when it matched anything in the list of RC items, blindfolded shoppers until they looked elsewhere. Parents were given free access to people who would install these Filter™ objects so when anyone in their house went shopping (specifically children), the blinkers would activate automatically. Famously, mere days after it was announced at least one school-age child got around his Filter™ within hours. The government decided a more centralised implementation was in order.

Prior to winning office, the current government made a promise to create an opt-in system whereby this Filter™ would be installed into every shop in Australia. This opt-in system will block everyone’s access to the liquor cabinets, but if you have a valid reason (research, showing the government cares about alternate fuel sources, wanting to go to the shops without being slowed down by the filter asking you if you are currently trying to buy liquor when all you want is some milk) you can turn off the Filter™. So adults could ensure children wouldn’t get access to alcohol (to a point, see later) and adults who really were annoyed by seeing the liquor cabinet and alcohol ads every time they went shopping could browse in a happy, delusional bubble. This all changed when the election was over and the current government gained power.

After all, choice and options are just other words for anarchy.

2008 AD (Advanced Deception)

The first thing to go was the optional nature. Every person, every time they went to the shop, would have a Filter™ attached to their shoulder to make sure they weren’t getting into the hard stuff. Secondly, an additional Filter™ was created(4), this one prevented any alcohol whatsoever from being viewed. This was sold to the public as a GoingCleanFeed that made shopping a safer and child-safe experience. After all, it was a right since the dawn of man for children to go into any shop and expect nothing but kittens and lollies. The government, understanding they had had a brainstorm nobody else in the civilized world had(5), proudly announced it.

This meant people looked at it. And people noted problems.

A Flair Trial

The list of banned booze was maintained by a Shadowy Cabal, and was a closely guarded secret(6). During the first test, Bunderburg Ginger Beer suddenly found their bottom line bottoming out. Apparently the “Beer” in ginger beer tweaked off the Cabal and was axed. Not only that but Schwapps’ Lemonade suddenly vanished – research showed that someone had changed a label to Lemonale and reported them to the Cabal, who duly added them to the RC list(7). Regardless the trial pushed ahead, amidst cries by consumer bodies, beverage companies, interested people world-wide, and a secretive group called Secret.

After the trial published data gained by running the Filter™ through a number of participating shopping chains(8), the results showed some people actually shopped faster while blindfolded. This logical inconsistency was addressed promptly, the document had a sentance added directing the reader to ignore the silly data – because all the data that did not undermine the Filter™ supporters’ viewpoint supported their viewpoint(9). Alcohol Consumer groups also brought to light massive holes in the governments arguments. The Filter™, they claimed, only worked on aisles at eye level, anyone who used a mirror so they could look up but still see the objects of their desire would have no problems acquiring hard-hooch whatsoever(10). The government’s own documentation on the Filter™ (and emailed responses to questions(21)) mention that anyone with enough alcohol desire could bypass the Filter™ by a variety of methods. The argument that such a bypass is very easily distributed by the boozily savvy to the boozily deficient was ignored. In the interests of round figures, the Effective Fluid Acquisition (EFA) group reduced their challenges to a round ten so as not to go on and on and on and on (19).

The government decided they needed some facts to back up rhetoric, they ran an Australia wide poll and they proudly announced the populace was 80% in favour of the Filter™. This poll was entitled “Do you want the government to prevent more people dying in car crashes: y/n” (20). They were less keen in advertising that 91% of people didn’t like the filter as it was presented: secretly controlled by possible teetotalling cabals(20). The cabals being robed or not did not affect this statistic.

We Know Better

Further points were raised. The Australian Accident Victim Protection agency said the idea was flawed, wouldn’t protect people, and may even make the problem worse than the original proposal of speed bumps on all highways every 100 meters(11). Academia experts in the fields pointed out numerous flaws, using the governmentally decried methods of ‘research’ and ‘statistics’.(12). The arguments by the Alcohol Consumer group included that most people who bought booze don’t even use the supermarkets, it was supported by home-grown stills or a trade of alcohol between friends. Recognised world experts in brewing pointed out the flaws based on their own experience in International booze-banning bombasisms(13). To answer the question, the government smugly stated that they’re only interested in eye-level shelves as people do not understand the shelving concept enough to look up and down, that stopping people from drinking isn’t really their goal, and since they spoke with some nice voting blocks chaps with a really important invisible friend before-hand that they know it’s the right thing to do(14)(15). And China liked it(16). Even if everyone else worldwide doesn’t(17)(18).


(2): Save for the party Conroy will throw once it goes ahead, given that approval of this plan allows him to achieve nothing with millions of dollars.
(3): OK, anecdotally, but it totally sounds right.
(4): Resembling the “Good” and “Evil” shoulder angels from cartoon mythology – only this time it’s the “Good” and “Gooder” angel.
(5): *ahem*
(6): You didn’t get this from me.
(7): Search for “dentist”.
(8): Long after
(9): Pilot results
(12): (PDF)