Tag: comedy

With apologies to all artists behind Send in the Clowns. A 10-minute-to-write parody.

We will get rich
Us as a pair
You with your clever idea
Me with thin-air
Host in the cloud…

Isn’t it bliss?
One click “approve”
No need to read the T&Cs
Just up and move
Into the cloud
Host in the cloud

Now that you’ve stopped, needing servers
Your bottom line will be bursting your doors
Making cash hand over fist without server upkeep
No business plans,
Competitors weep

Uptime’s five nines
(Not a guarantee)
Hiring imag’nry PCs
With real money
Host in the cloud
We’re all in the cloud
Your credit card’s here…

Well I got rich,
Not you I fear,
Never mind let’s try again
Your new idea…
Host in my cloud
Cash in the cloud
No? Maybe next year…

I’ll patch it later;
I’ll patch it later;

I didn’t patch it;
How was I supposed to know;
My system wasn’t right here;
I didn’t patch it;
I shouldn’t have let it go;
SMB’s compromised yeah;

An email, with attachment from Dale
I double click, wait-
Now my files don’t open, huh, what happened?

My filesystem’s corrupted now (what the?)
And someone’s now, extorting me (my money!)
If I don’t pay then I’ll lose my files
Bitcoins I’ll buy
I’ve been hit with WannaCry

– With apologies to Ms Spears

Published by Professor von Explaino

Code, comedy, Projemon


The Dead Weight

The Dead Weight, art by

The Dead Weight (Pondus mortuus) is a resource-substitute that starves the Project without the Project knowing it is perishing.

Evolution and Taxonomy

The Dead Weight has a troubling evolutionary trail, sharing some traits with other people-type resources but enough traits from other branches to belie a common ancestor. It is almost a yin to the Scope Creep yang – rather than adding end deliverable complexities with no additional resources; the Dead Weight masks a lack of resources to achieve the Project’s end deliverable goal. There is also difficulty in distinguishing a Dead Weight from a False Dead Weight (see below).

Biology and Defence

The Dead Weight’s survival strategy has more in common with a cuckoo than a resource. Dead Weights take the place of other resources a Project has gathered for creating its end deliverable, but instead of providing resources they consume them with no return. To defend against a Dead Weight, Projects produce an expectation for every stage (also known as stage targets or sprints) with a binary success marker. Continued false markers can reveal a Dead Weight and Projects can amputate and regenerate the resource as required. False Dead Weights initially have these false markers evident, but by working with the clearly defined expectations they can turn this around to become fully contributing resources to a Project.

Published by Professor von Explaino

Code, comedy, Projemon
The Scope Creep

The Scope Creep, art by

The Scope Creep (Reperet scopo) is a parasite that causes Projects to collapse under their own weight

Evolution and Taxonomy

The Scope Creep shares a common ancestor with the Shifting Goalposts (Reperet finis-cursore); both of these creatures have a hallucinogen that targets the Project’s perceptions. Where the Shifting Goalposts confuses the sense of direction (resulting in arriving at its perceived goal but not its actual goal), the Scope Creep overloads the Project’s end product instincts.

Biology and Defence

An uninfected Project’s drive to build an ‘end product’ is usually curtailed to produce the most attractive result while managing not to completely exhaust the Project’s available resources. When infected with Scope Creep, the Project is driven to create an end product beyond its means. These additions are seen as absolutely necessary even if they have no direct impact on its original goal. Having proven deadly to its ancestors, the Projects of today have a star-fish like defence – breaking off infected parts to grow into Projects of their own thanks to a clear barrier that separates the in-Scope from the out-of-Scope.

Published by Professor von Explaino

Code, comedy, Projemon
The All-consuming Meeting

The All-consuming Meeting, art by

The All-consuming Meeting (Congressus totus-consumens) is another resource-competitor to the Project, which focuses on the environment, rather than the Project itself.

Evolution and Taxonomy

The All-consuming Meeting is an aggressive offshoot of the Status-update meeting. The Status-update meeting has a symbiotic relationship with Projects, allowing the Project time to examine its own progress and to better manage its natural resources in building its ‘end product’. The Project pays for this with some of its time and people resources while the meeting is active, gaining them back once the meeting returns to dormancy.

Biology and Defence

The All-consuming Meeting has lost the trigger to dormancy that prevents over-aggressive resource extraction, to the point of requiring more time and people resources to feed it than are being devoted to the ‘end product’. More dangerously, Projects that have suffered from an All-consuming Meeting retain a distrust of any Meeting (even the beneficial Status-update), this learned behaviour can be passed on to the Project’s descendants. Modern Projects have had to evolve another form of barrier between itself and a meeting, called the Agenda. The structure of the agenda precisely limits the resource sharing between Project and Meeting. Note that the agenda is not a passive defence, if not actively engaged the Meeting may be unable to digest the agenda but will still drain the resources the agenda was meant to shield.

Published by Professor von Explaino

Code, comedy, Projemon
The Looming Deadline, art by

The Looming Deadline, art by

The Looming Deadline (Tempus advenientis) is an ambush predator that has a highly evolved camouflage technique.

Evolution and Taxonomy

The ancestor of the Looming Deadline shared a habitat with the ancestors of the common household Calendar (Tempus paulo-quadrati). The future was a threat to the early humans, always having to be watched for sudden changes or impending threats, until it was safely domesticated into little boxes. This influenced the Looming Deadline’s evolutionary path to mimic that of the parasite Cymothoa exigua. This fish-exclusive parasite replaces a fishes tongue and then feeds off the creature – the Looming Deadline instead replaces one of the Calendar’s days in a near-perfect replica.

Biology and Defence

The feeding pattern of the Looming Deadline is so efficient that even near misses can be deadly to a weaker Project; the struggle of defending itself resulting in lethal resource deprivation. Additionally, the Looming Deadline is not a solitary predator; successive unexpected assaults can bring down even the strongest Project. The modern Project has a technique at its disposal for self-defence: Looming Deadlines are marked with ink or dye (its Milestones being particularly susceptible), warning the Project and its handlers by negating the much needed ambush advantage.

Published by Professor von Explaino

Code, comedy, Projemon
The Code Fairy

The Code Fairy, art by

The Code Fairy (Fairy codices) is a species of Fairy, a creature that feeds off the belief of other species.

Evolution and Taxonomy

The modern Fairy species branched from its predecessor the Fairy radiant during the modern Pulp era, when the attitude towards broken devices changed from observe-theorize-repair-test-repeat to hit-until-works-or-hand-tired. This watering down of rigor enabled fairies to keep broken gadgets working for just a tad longer and feed off the belief of “I fixed it” until the device can no longer withstand the pressure and disintegrates. The Code Fairy is just one of a number of fairies that can infest Projects, for example the Fairy architecta can surface at an earlier age than the Code Fairy in an almost symbiotic relationship.

Biology and Defence

The Code Fairy is born out of the accumulated untested belief in a Project’s (or Project facet’s) absolute correctness, feeding off resources related to the Project such as Homo sapiens machinator (“I know this code works, I don’t need to test it”) and Homo sapiens architecta (“I know what the client means, I don’t need to clarify it”). Perfectly working logic can show sudden glitches, unwanted consequences, illegal operations and in extreme cases, Abrupt Non-compilation Disorder (referred to as “…and?”). Specially trained “Testers” can detect the presence of Code Fairies; additionally Projects themselves can be inoculated by regular application of Test Driven Development. Code Fairies are classified as an introduced pest to most development ecosystems, so this is not viewed as ecological damage by the United Nations environmental task force.

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