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Seven Seals of Software Review

Professor von Explaino on . CodeComedy

I watched as the change representative opened the first of the seven seals. Then I saw one of the four living approvers mail in a text like thunder “System Architecture!” I looked, and there before me was a blank page! Its author held a red pen, and he was given a stamp, and he rode out like an madman bent on correction.

When the change representative opened the second seal, I saw the second living creature write “Security!” Then another page came out, a firey red one. Its author was given the power to protect data on earth and make systems kill each other. To him was given a tiny budget.

When the change representative opened the third seal, I saw the third living creature write “Legals!” I looked and there before me was a strange page! Its author was holding a set of laws in its hand. Then I heard what sounded like a voice among the four living creatures, saying “QITC, Privacy, GDPR, Legislation, and do not damage our liability!”

When the change representative opened the fourth seal, I saw the writing of the fourth living creature say, “Present to the Board!” I looked, and there before me was a pale attachment. Its author was named Governance, and delay was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the applications to slow by process, review, standards, and by the wild whims of the management.

When he opened the fifth seal, I saw in the meeting minutes the souls of the applications that had been slain because of the word of the Approval Board and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice “How long, chair, until you judge the avoiders of process and avenge our delays?” Then each of them were given a latte and told to wait a little longer, until the full number of their applications were delayed just as they had been.

I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was discovered a great vulnerability. The internet turned dark like an unpowered monitor made of Vantablack, the whole NAGIOS monitor screen turned red, and the IP addresses fell to earth as packets drop from the NBN under a light breeze. The management retreated to a remote location, and all hardware and software were removed from its place.

Then the managers of teams, the directors, the board members, the staff, and everyone else, hid in their offices and among the discarded cups in the break room. They called to the service desk “Fall on us and hide us from the clients who we’ve failed to serve! For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can withstand it?”

Ged Maybury said on June 11, 2018:


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Brilliant, as always. You, sir, are a great writer and deserve wider-spread approval and a nerdsome and starry-eyed fanbase.

Professor von Explaino said on June 11, 2018:


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Heh, well it’s easy enough when I’m parodying an extant text like this. But, from a well renowned writer such as yourself, I appreciate the encouragement and compliment.

Ged Maybury said on June 12, 2018:


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‘Renowned’? I wish I was! (Should be.)

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