The Eubangi Coconut
Once upon a time, back in the late 19th Century, there was a railway line built linking Darwin (top of Australia) and Adelaide (near the bottom of Australia).
(I know there wasn’t really, but its my story so shuttup)
Anyway, there was a very posh train carrying people from Alice Springs (middle of Australia, desert) to Adelaide along this line a fine summer day. A conductor was walking down the aisle, asking people for their tickets. He got to this one young man, and asked politely for a ticket. The man looked up with a sneer and said “I haven’t got a ticket, but we’re in the middle of a desert, so what can U do about it?” In response the conductor reefed the man out of his seat, slammed his head into the chair in front of the passenger a couple of times, performs a perfect suplex, polishes the guy's nails with his own face, then finally hurls the bloke out the (closed) window. The conductor then stands and cries “Tickets!”, in response thousands of hands shot up holding their tickets
(Of course, it wasn’t REALLY thousands, but quite a lot more than before.)
When the train finally pulled into Adelaide station the passangers were scared spam-less. They collectively ran to the nearest police station, got the man charged with murder, and taken to Melbourne to be put on trail. To cut a long story short (too late), he was found guilty and was to be executed via electric chair.
As he was being strapped in, and the parson was giving the last rights, he was asked if he had a last request.
The man looked up and said “Yes, as my final request I would like the Eubangi cocount.”
And the people said ‘Da heck?’ And the man said “The Eubangi coconut is a mystical coconut that grows only once every five years on a mystical island in the Great Barrier Reef. I want that coconut.” Well, since they’d offered they couldn’t refuse, so they sent Archibald up to get that there coconut.
When he arrived he went to the local chief And he said chief, he said mate, he said chief, he said mate, he said “I need the Eubangi coconut”
And the chief said, in an awful Nicole Kidman voice, “I am very sorry, the coconut grows only once every five years, have some tea”
So after five pleasant years, the bloke goes to the mystical grove, near the mystical lake, next to the mystical parrot droppings, etc. Once there he climbs the tree and cuts the coconut, which promptly obeys the law of gravity, falls, and smashes.
He jumps down from the tree and runs to the chief.
He said chief, he said mate, he said chief, he said bud, he said friend, he said chief, he said I need another coconut.
And the chief said, in an impressive Hugh Jackman accent “I’m very sorry, the coconut grows only once every 5 years, have some tea. Another five years pass, moderately less pleasantly. He carefully climbs the tree, carefully cuts the coconut, and carefully climbs down. He then jogs to his boat, trips on a log, and smashes the coconut.
He runs back to the chief
He said chief, he said mate, he said chief, he said bud, he said friend, he said chief, he said compadre, he said chum, he said kimosabi, he said mate, he said mate, I need another coconut.
And the chief, in a rotten Kylie Minogue accent said "I’m so sorry, the coconut only grows once every 5 years, have some tea.”
Another 5 years, continuing on the downward trajectory, and the bloke’s getting pissed (as in angry, not drunk, which might contribute to the mood).
He gets a titanium box lined with silk cushions, and carries the coconut to his boat. On the row back to the mainland, a freak storm hits his boat. When it passes, no coconut. He rows back to the chief.
He said chief, he said mate, he said chief, he said bud, he said friend, he said chief, he said mate, he said friend, he said mate, he said best fried buddy ole pal, I NEED ANOTHER COCONUT!
And the chief said, in a disgusting Paul Hogan rip-off, “Im sorry, the coconut grows only once every 5 years, here have some coffee we’re out of tea”.
20 years now. 1 star rating on AirBnB.
He builds the worlds first working gyrocopter, and FLIES the blasted thing back to Melbourne. He has an armed guard escort himself and the coconut to the bloke. He gasps, puts the coconut on the convicted felon’s lap, and dies. Ignoring this drama the witnesses ask, “Well, are you going to eat it”? and the guy says “Nah, I’ll have it later”. The police captaion shrugs and pulls the switch. The felon is instantly a human jacobs ladder. BOOM! All the lights in Melbourne die. When they finally kick the generator in, the bloke is there blackened and crispy.
He then opens his eyes, coughs, and says “Is that it?”. And the people gasp and say “Wow, does that coconut have mystical powers?!?!!” And the guy says “No, I’m just a bad conductor”