Unless it is being syndicated on prime time television via “20-1 Worst Vehicular Homicides”, the Australian public frowns upon a National road toll that’s higher than the average winning margin in their sport of choice. Since there are elections at some point in the future, and representing the people is best served by finding a set of figures and skewing them, the Australian Government has decided to tackle road-related deaths as an election campaign. One solution that has worked acceptably in individual boozer situations was found to be a method of filtering the shopping process(3). The logic is extensible and sound – acquiring the stronger and more left-of-center alcoholic beverage can be directly related (well, anecdotally but it totally sounds right) to blood-alcohol level induced road incidents.  Time for the government to swing into action with a Filter(tm).

The “Filter(tm)” – Fluid Imbibing Limitation by the Teetotalling Enjoyment Restrictions

This Filter(tm) was a small box that attached itself to the shoulders of anyone trying to purchase items from any shop in Australia. This friendly little device watched everything the shopper did and compared it to a list of Refused Cashification (RC) booze-related items (hard liquor, anything with more than five syllables, anything made overseas that isn’t paying a large tithe to the government) that were maintained by a shadowy oversight committee – possibly in dark robes in buildings with far too many archways, possibly not. The filter looked at everything a microscopic fraction of a second before the person did and, if it matched anything in the list of RC items then it put a blindfold over the shoppers eyes until they looked elsewhere. Parents were given free access to people who would install these Filter(tm) objects so that if anyone in their house went shopping (specifically children) the blinkers would activate automatically. Famously, at least one school-age child got around his filter within an hour mere days after this Filter(tm) was announced. The government decided a more centralized implementation was in order.

Prior to winning office, the current government made a promise to create an opt-in system whereby this Filter(tm) would be mandated for every shop in Australia. This opt-in system will block everyone’s access to the liquor cabinets, but if you have a valid reason (research, showing the government cares about alternate fuel sources, wanting to go to the shops without being slowed down by the filter asking you if you are currently trying to buy liquor when all you want is some milk) you can turn off the Filter(tm). So, adults could ensure children wouldn’t get access to alcohol (to a point, see later) and adults who really were annoyed by seeing the liquor cabinet and alcohol ads every time they went shopping could browse in a happy, delusional bubble. This all changed when the election was over and the current government gained power.

After all, choice and options are just other words for anarchy.

2008 AD (Advanced Deception)

The first thing to go was the optional nature. Every person, every time they went to the shop, would have a Filter(tm) attached to their shoulder to make sure they weren’t getting into the hard stuff. Secondly, an additional Filter(tm) was created(4), this one prevented any alcohol whatsoever from being viewed. This was sold to the public as a GoingCleanFeed, turning shopping into a safer, friendly, child-safe experience. After all, it is a right since the dawn of man for children to go into any shop and expect nothing but kittens and lollies. The government, understanding they had had a brainstorm nobody else in the civilized world had(5). They proudly announced it.

This meant people looked at it. And people noted problems.

A Flair Trial

The list of banned booze was maintained by a Shadowy Cabal, and was a closely guarded secret(6). During the first test, Bunderburg Ginger Beer suddenly found their bottom line bottoming out. Apparently the “Beer” in ginger beer tweaked off the Cabal and was axed. Not only that but Schwapps’ Lemonade suddenly vanished – research showed that someone had changed a label to Lemonale and reported them to the Cabal, who duly nuked their purchasability(7). The trial pushed ahead, amidst cries by consumer bodies, beverage companies, interested people world-wide, and a secretive group called Secret.

After the trial(8) published data gained by running the Filter(tm) through a number of participating shopping chains, the results showed some people actually shopped faster while blindfolded; but the document helpfully contained a sentence to ignore the silly data, logically because all the data that wasn’t undermining their viewpoint supported their viewpoint(9). Not only that but alcohol Consumer groups brought to light massive holes in the governments arguments. The Filter(tm), they claimed, only worked on aisles at eye level, anyone who used a mirror so as to face another level but still see the objects of their desire would have no problems whatsoever(10). The government’s own documentation on the Filter(tm) (and emailed responses to questions) mention that anyone with enough alcohol desire can bypass the Filter(tm). The argument that such a bypass is very easily sent by the boozily savvy to the boozily deficient is ignored. In the interests of round figures, a Effective Fluid Acquisition (EFA) group reduced their challenges to a round ten so as not to go on and on and on and on (19).

The government, deciding they needed some facts to back up rhetoric, ran an Australia wide poll which came out 80% in favour of the Filter(tm). This poll was entitled “Do you want the government to prevent more people dying in car crashes: y/n” (20). They were less keen in advertising that 91% of people didn’t like the filter as it was presented as secretly controlled by possible teetotalling cabals (20).  The cabals being robed or not did not affect this statistic.

We Know Better

Further points were raised. The Australian Accident Victim Protection agency said the idea was flawed, wouldn’t protect people, and may even make the problem worse than the original proposal of speed bumps on all highways every 100 meters(11). Academia experts in the fields pointed out numerous flaws, the same way almost everyone else has(12). The arguments by the Consumer group included that most people who buy booze don’t even _use_ the supermarkets, there are stills or trade alcohol between friends. Recognised world experts in brewing have pointed out the flaws based on their own experience in International booze-banning bombasisms(13). Answering the question, the government smugly stated that they’re only interested in eye-level shelves, as people do not understand the shelving concept enough to look up and down, that it isn’t really their goal, and since they spoke with some friends with a really important invisible friend before-hand they know it’s the right thing to do(14)(15). And China likes it(16). Even if everyone else worldwide doesn’t(17),(18).

Footnotes

(1): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_dilemma
(2): Save for the party Conroy will throw once it goes ahead, given that approval of this plan allows him to achieve nothing with millions of dollars.
(3): Conveniently ignoring the ability to acquire it from friends, make it yourself (mmm, sanitary and regulated), steal it from other people, or buy it from anyone not in a shop.
(4): Resembling the “Good” and “Evil” shoulder angels from cartoon mythology – only this time it’s the “Good” and “Gooder” angel.
(5): *ahem*
(6): You didn’t get this from me.
(7): Search for “dentist”.
(8): Long after
(9): Pilot results
(10): http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2009/12/ways-to-bypass-the-internet-filter/
(11): http://www.computerworld.com.au/article/330087/child_groups_slam_conroy_isp_filtering_plans/
(12): (PDF)
(13): http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8517829.stm
(14): http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/politics/conroy-will-be-censoring-people-not-the-internet-20091217-kzxl.html
(15): http://www.itnews.com.au/News/161533,christian-lobby-buoyant-on-filtering-after-meeting-conroy.aspx
(16): http://openinternet.com.au/2010/03/11/oz-internet-censorship-gets-noticed-in-china/
(17): http://opennet.net/blog/2009/07/australias-conroy-named-internet-villain-year
(18): http://www.smh.com.au/technology/technology-news/australia-on-internet-watchlist-with-iran-north-korea-20100312-q23p.html
(19): http://www.efa.org.au/2010/01/20/the-top-10-filtering-questions/
(20): http://www.zdnet.com.au/80-of-aussies-support-filter-339300949.htm

“Just be sure and face the right way.” — Professor von Explaino

During his musing(1), Christoph saw the Professor grabbing the recently adjusted running sheet and make a few adjustments, when he tried to peer over the Professor’s shoulder to see what the program was he quickly pulled his head back as von Explaino snatched the program away and gave him a look.  The new program brought von Explaino some great delight; the first presentation was on competitive virology from the World Health Organisation (WHO), James Watt was going to expound on some of Nikola Tesla’s theories and a late scratching saw Ms Lovelace, or Ada, now up third in  a free-form programming event.  The maths section held two panels, one on yocto-scale maths (10^-24, symbolised by ‘y’) and a discussion of base 12 trigonometry (with B as the highest single digit).  After lunch was Sune Bergström discussing the importance of peace-promoting research and a German aeronaut discussing their new supercharger for which the Professor had used the appropriate German description of ‘Lader’.

[1) And by 'musing' read 'oggling the science dancing girls troupe who were getting changed into brass outfits for the opening number' ]
The Professor turned and grinned at Christoph.

PvE> Oh, you’re in for a fantastic day of science!

C> I’d believe you if you’d let me see *reach for program*

PvE> *snatch away again* No no no, Christoph, you schmooze you lose.  But I will read it to you.  WHO is on first, Watt is on second, Ada now is on third…

C> That’s what I want to know

PvE> I said WHO’s on first, Watt’s on second, Ada now is on third…

C> Did you invite the guests?

PvE> Yes.

C> You’re the organiser too?

PvE> Yes.

C> And you’ve got the program right there.

PvE> You’d have your own if you paid attention

C> Well, then, who’s on first?

PvE> Yes.

C> I mean their name.

PvE> WHO.

C> The one up first

PvE> WHO.

C> The first presenter

PvE> WHO

C> ‘And first today is-’

PvE> WHO is on first!

C> I’m asking YOU who’s on first.

PvE> That’s their name.

C> That’s who’s name?

PvE> Yes.

C> Well can you please tell me?

PvE> That’s it.

C> That’s who?

PvE> Yes.

*Pause*

C> Look, you’ve got a first speaker

PvE> Certainly.

C> Who’s up first?

PvE> That’s right.

C> When the audience applauds, who gets the accolades?

PvE> Every decibel of it.

C> All I’m trying to find out is the name of the first presenter.

PvE> WHO.

C> The presenter getting ready is who?

PvE> That’s it.

C> Who gets the applause

PvE> Sure does, every decibel.  Sometimes they send a delegate.

C> Who delegates?

PvE> Yes.

*Pause*

PvE> What’s wrong with that?

C> Look, all I want to know is that when you were asking about the program, how did they want to show their name?

PvE> WHO.

C> The presenter.

PvE> WHO.

C> How is it written…

PvE> That’s how it’s written.

C> Who?

PvE> Yes.

*Pause, both fidget under the shushing looks of nearby scientists*

C> All I’m trying to find out is what’s the name of the first presenter

PvE> No, Watt is our second presenter.

C> I’m not asking you who’s up second.

PvE> WHO’s up first.

C> One slot at a time!

PvE> Well don’t change the presentation order

C> I’m not changing nobody!

PvE> Calm, Christoph, calm.

C> I’m only asking you, who’s the presenter up first.

PvE> That’s right.

C> Ok.

PvE> Good!

*Pause*

C> What’s the name of the first presenter?

PvE> No.  Watt is on second.

C> I’m not asking you who’s on second.

PvE> WHO’s on first.

C> I dunno.

PvE> No, no, no, we’re not shifting the third presenter again.

C> Now how’d I get to the third presenter?

PvE> You mentioned their name.

C> If I mentioned their name, who did I saw was up third?

PvE> No, WHO’s up first.

C> What’s on first?

PvE> Watt’s on second.

C> I dunno

PvE> Is up third

C> There I go, back to third again.

*Pause*

C> You have a maths section?

PvE> In the east and west lecture halls.

C> The east lecture is on?

PvE> Y.

C> I just thought I’d ask you.

PvE> Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

C> Then tell me who’s in the east hall

PvE> WHO’s up first.

C> I’m not… stay out of the first session!  I want to know, what’s the presentation in the east hall?

PvE> No, Watt is on second.

C> I’m not asking you who’s on second.

PvE> WHO’s on first!

C> I dunno.

PvE and C together> Up third!

*Pause, let Captain Adventure push his way past looking at the both of them oddly.*

C> OK.  East hall?

PvE> Y?

C> Because!

PvE> B(cos), West hall.

*Pause*

C> You’ve obviously got a discussion over lunch.

PvE> Sure.

C> And its on?

PvE> Lader.

C> You don’t want to tell me now?

PvE> I am telling you now.

C> Then go ahead.

PvE> Lader!

C> What time?

PvE> What time what?

C> What time later are you going to tell me who’s talking during lunch?

PvE> Now listen, WHO is not during lunch…

C> So help me, if you say who’s on first!  I want to know what’s on after lunch?

PvE> Watt is on second.

C> I dunno

PvE and C> Up third!

*Pause*

C> Afternoon session?

PvE> Certainly.

C> And they are?

PvE> Sune.

C> Soon.  And lunch is later?

PvE> Now you’ve got it.

C> Your temporal clocks’ all screwed up.

*Pause*

C> You know I’m in ROSEA too.

PvE> Unstoppably.

C> So, I mingle during lunch later.  I strike up a conversation with out first presenter, so I walk over to who?

PvE> Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.

C> I don’t make any sense whatsoever!

*Pause*

PvE> I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.

C> Talking to who.

PvE> Yes!

C> Now who’s talking?

PvE> Precisely!

*Pause*

C> So… I strike up a conversation with the first presenter, they’re bound to be at lunch, so who’s talking?

PvE> Precisely.

C> Who?

PvE> Precisely.

C> Precisely?

PvE> Precisely.

C> So I get a couple of glasses and walk over to Precisely.

PvE> No you don’t, you start talking to WHO

C> Precisely.

PvE> That’s different.

C> That’s what I said.

PvE> You’re not getting it…

C> I start talking to Precisely.

PvE> You start talking to WHO.

C> Precisely.

PvE> You have it.

C> That’s what I said!

PvE> You ask me.

C> I talk to who?

PvE> Precisely.

C> Now you ask me.

PvE> You start talking to WHO?

C> Precisely.

PvE> That’s it.

C> Same as you!  Same as YOU!  I start talking to WHO.  They’re not interesting and the conversation drifts to the next speaker.  WHO spots Watt and calls them over.  Watt brings over I dunno and everyone’s up to date.  Soon gets interrupted later.  Why?  I don’t know! And -

Baron> YES!  We’ve done it!

C> We have?

PvE> YES!  With electrodes attached to Abbot and Costello’s bodies, we’ve got enough power from them spinning in their graves to be able to send everyone back home!  Good work, Christoph

C> *sinks to the ground, whimpering*

One idea I had knocking around in my head for a while was the Maze Generator I built a while ago.  This thing takes any dimensions and spits out a one-path maze for you, using an algorithm put on the web by J Kirwin (link now defunct).  Playing with the dimensions, I finally got a maze that would fit on a moo card – but it was still just a maze.  How to make it belong to Professor von Explaino?  The solution came in my site redesign, which Retro rocket had just finished.  Incalculatable wrangling had gone into the design work for the interrobang-cog that was the Professor’s signature emblem – mucking around further with PHP and I found a way to embed the logo behind the maze with just enough alpha-ing that the maze came through and the logo was still visible.

Just in time for the picnic!

One of the key aspects of the Professor persona is devices, von Explaino is always inventing and concocting so he must have  held or otherwise carried equipment of an aetheric and esoteric nature.  The first device I created, with the great assistance of Baron von Borg and Del von Gadgetus, initially for the “Brisbane Romp” charity event and then updated to be taken to a Valentine’s Day nightclub with a Steampunk theme.  This was the Thing-o-meter, so named because while the general device would remain the same, its specific purpose would change to become a detector of Something depending on contents..

Goal: A weird device.  A ‘detector’ scope of some description, so it needed a collector end and a reporting end.

Components:

• Glass fronted display box from Bunnings (hardware store)
• Dark mahogany wood stain from Bunnings
• Brass photo frame/ box corners from Bunnings
• Brown cloth covered electrical cabling, attached to brass-looking light fittings from Reverse Garbage (recycling shop)
• Carpet sample from friends
• Brass hinges from Bunnings
• Wooden chair leg from Bunnings
• Plunger cup from Bunnings
• Tuning fork from eBay
• Pin and miscellaneous bits from friends
• Metres of glow-in-the-dark cable from a birthday gift
• UV Fluorescent tube from JayCar (+battery)
• Electrical switch from JayCar
• Small brain for the Clue-o-meter from a novelty store
• Small heart for the Love-o-meter from a kids science magazine

First all the wood was stained, twice.  Gave the box a rich quality, unfortunately I used a walnut matte stain on the leg so it was less impressive.  The plunger was taken apart, it was a screw-ended model, leaving me with the plunger cup that would fit snug over the end of the chair leg.  The back of the box, which comes off to put things in, had the carpet sample glued onto it to provide a thematic backing for the visual display unit of the device.  Once the wood was dry, the light fitting was dissected and the small end attached to the leg with glue, and the large end was screwed onto the box back via hinges.  This meant we could hide all the circuitry and battery for the fluorescent tube in there, so the on-off switch is sticking out of a hole in the light fixture.  The UV tube was secured over the carpet end so that when it was shut it would be in the middle – giving the most light coverage. Baron kindly drilled a hole through the plunger cup and into the wooden leg so that the tuning fork could be jammed in there to keep the whole thing joined.

The ‘Thing’ in thing-o-meter is whatever’s front and centre in the view-port when the device is in use, thus determining its name – the Brain powers the Clue-o-meter, and a Heart powers the Love-o-meter.  The brain had a mounting block made for it by a pin and left over parts; the heart was just stuck loosely to the glass by its own sticky nature.  The rest of the box is then filled with the tangle of glow-in-the-dark cabling when the UV light is activated the box becomes filled with eerily glowing cables.

Professor and the Clue-o-meter (business end)

Love-o-meter in action

The Baron motioned the group to quiet, their current location bereft of any soul but theirs.  Utilising his arm-ament case, he swapped the gripper for the illuminator and proceeded to check their passage.

Just as he suspected, their rush had taken them to the governmental district.  What foul horrors could this beast wreak if given unchecked access to the humble lords and other lords of London?  He made his way back to the group, relayed the message, then asked where von Explaino was.  The unanswered question was resolved a short while later when the Professor returned, claiming he had been using a map and his device to tetrangulate the precise location of the readings.  A plan was drawn up and hastily enacted, for the target was none other than the registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages.  Records of everyone in London (well, ignoring the unregistered, of course) – in the hands (or equivalent) of these creatures think of the horrors!

They did.  And regretted it.  So thought of tea.  This was a better option.

Not taking no for an answer, Lady Alex lead the way – hungry for a story.  Adventure came next, having primed the M.A.P.C.A.S.E he was prepared for the worst.  von Explaino was third, having experience in such matters he was putting on his sturdiest and most replacable gloves.  Baron von Borg kept the illuminator low but ready for immediate activation.

So intent on the assault were they, that they didn’t hear the Cerulean’s calls for attention – whoever was in the back of any assault always called out for what was going on.  It was tradition, so much so that she had to physically haul Christoph to turn around, too late as at that instant the group had their numbers halved by a sudden burst of light and sound.

Baron von Borg checks the location

ROSEA assault

Only most likely due to the fact the garden was awash with gore and bone.   A grim discovery.  The Professor was quickly joined by the Baron, Captain Adventure and – after some prodding by Lady Alex – Christoph.  Oddly, the remains had pooled in patterns and shapes, meaning they wouldn’t need new boots in the not too distant future.

<von Explaino> Yes, it is human.  Only one.  Male.  Liked his coffee straight and turkish.

<Baron> A gut man, zen.

<Christoph> How can you tell?

<von Explaino> Science!

<Christoph> Ah.

Experience had  taught Christoph that when he received that answer, that was the only one he would receive until the investigation was over.  So saying, he walked over to join Lady Alex who was writing exactly the right sort of scandal that would possibly net her further… money of mutual benefit.  With the Baron’s help, and Adventure’s prodding, Professor von Explaino soon had his device adjusted to trace readings he had found on the remains.  Almost immediately it lit up with a glow, carefully swinging the concave collection contraption end the destination was soon discovered.  Adventure immediately started propelling the Professor in that direction – the hint was quickly picked up by all and the race continued!

Discovery of a crime

The Life-o-meter detects a source to follow

A scant seven minutes later and the Captain had his crew lashing the dirigible to its mouring buoy and slid down the ladder to join the rest of ROSEA towards the earilly silent craters that all but a few stoic or toniced individuals were giving a wide bearth.  Baron von Borg was the first to make out the spherical object in the center of the nearest crater and taking the Cerulean and Christoph headed around one side with Lady Alex, the Captain and the Professor moving around the other.  Having seized the opportunity for five minutes of laboratory fabrication, the Professor put the final fabrications on his Humeroscope – a device created to detect the presence of humers and thus the signs of life in any object.  With the Captain keeping an up close watch the Professor and Lady Alex surveyed the first sphere.

<Alex> It’s a threat to her majesty – no! – the commonwealth itself, a new weapon wielded uncompromisingly in a time of peace!

<von Explaino> Metals, strange ones.  But this device is likely detecting earthworms underneath the device, given these tiny readings

<Adventure> Not large then.

<von Explaino> No, noth-! Spike!  How the …

<Baron> It’s still warm.

Humer scanning the sphere

Physical examination

The first trio looked up to see the Baron, the Cerulean and Christoph had started their own investigation of a more tactile nature. The Professor looked at the Baron who gave a grin over the sphere. Before he could administer a scathing — and amusement provoking — retort, a scream cut through to their very marrow with volume and pitch. The Cerulean was already running, followed closely by Adventure, and the others quickly kept pace.

1. The canapes were excellent, but Lady Alex had noted a number of particularly well known individuals were at the more lucid ends of their cups and she promised not to forgive herself for missing the opportunity until she had counted reportable coupe on all of them.

Science shows

From the Curiosity show through to “Why is it so?” when an egg gets pulled into a milk bottle (from Cadbury ads rather than the original), I loved watching the science shows growing up.  I can still recall snippets of the shows, the presenters and the voices, and the little catch phrases.  I don’t know how much of the shows’ messages sunk in versus how much was just watched over in the glory of enjoying science on TV.  While they didn’t have the budget of Mythbusters, nor the international penetration, they still shared Science. This also helped my dad find presents for me, solar kits and other hands-on buildy stuff were always good gifts.  I kept the solar powered ‘stuff’ kit for ages, and I didn’t even have someone cut the speakers into tiny pieces from making the light-sensitive-noise-squarker too often.

Doctor Emmett Brown, Back to the Future

Yes, I’m one of those kids in high school who mimed looking at a watch and their wrist while saying “Damn, damn!”  Even though he had enough money to buy a DeLorean and make a time-machine, he’s definitely SteamPulp over SteamPunk.  To break it down:

Hair: Completely manic, white, barely managable.

Outfits: Fashion victim of the worst kind, EXCEPT when he was dressed in wild-west finery.  Victorian era… coincidence?  I think not.

Science: Flux capacitor.  1.21 Gigawatts.  Nuclear powered time machine using plutonium stolen from Libyans.  “You disintegrated Einstien!” Plus, look at all the pretties over his SteamTrain Time Machine.  Not a rust mark in sight.

Outlook: A generally optimistic viewpoint, a bit of comic releif dusted through everything he did, a fun naivety and he gets the girl in the end.