Abbott buys everyone a beer, it’s his round.
Commonwealth departments, including universities, complain theirs is 3/4 full. Abbott explains that they will be so efficient at drinking the alcohol that he’s bought them a full pint equivalent by giving them a 3/4 pint. Abbott points out that Defence has to do the same; but the departments point out that Abbot’s bought Defence this round, plus the next two rounds right now; plus the extra 1/4 point is served as a chaser.
Foreign aid pipes up that it’s only got a half pint, and that one of Defence’s extra pints has “Foreign Aid” written on them. Abbott points out that Defence promised to show him how to drink a “Joint Strike Fighter” shot, but needed the extra pints for it.
Family points out that not only are they getting cut off after 1 standard drink, rather than 2, Abbot’s no longer contributing petrol money for them to drive everyone home – as the designated driver. Abbot’s also stopped helping out to pay the GP Toll on the way home, so they are going to have to take the long way through Emergency – but there’s a risk that Emergency will be closed off and they’ll be sent back through the GP Toll anyway. Plus they have to drop the kids off. The 25 year old kids off, who Abbott says can’t look after themselves so won’t allow them to go their own way home. Pensioners say “here here”, and then are confused as there used to be more of them but now it’s an over 70’s club.
Low income earners nod along to Family’s woes and stare at their beers. Which they can’t currently drink, as they came out of the freezer and are yet to thaw. Abbott says they’ll last longer this way.
Higher income earners start to pipe up about how they’ve been given the wrong drink, as it’s 2% less alcohol than what they want, but they decide to keep their traps shut. Abbott has promised they’ll be back to full strength in a three rounds time.
SBS and ABC have also been served the wrong beers, these are 1% less alcohol than they asked for. Also, the ABC had negotiated access to the foreign beers menu last time but Abbott has said imports are too fancy and has limited them to domestic.
The unemployed just scowl into their tonic waters, as Abbott says they don’t get a beer until his next round. After they wash his car. Disability notes their seat has been edged to be butt-to-butt with unemployed. Neither are pleased.
Infrastructure is being quiet and needs a tray to carry their drinks, but they are careful to sit next to the recycling bin to put their empties in as they get a 5c deposit returned this way. Which is given to Abbott to share as he wants. Mining also has a tray, but sits a distance from Infrastructure so they don’t attract attention. They also have been told next round they don’t have to buy Abbott that chaser he usually wants, so this is nice.
Indigenous affairs looks at their place. While they used to get a XXXX Lite, and were told to be grateful for that, they now have a home brewery kit and a “Best of Luck” card. This kit is, however, locked, and the beer mat contains a scavenger hunt map through police stations at Jobs, Land and Economy, Children and Schooling, Safety and Wellbeing, Culture and Capability, and Remote Australia – if they don’t visit all locations they don’t get the keys to open it.
The Public Service complains, as they have been given a new barstool that is much, much smaller than before, and they don’t have the drink they ordered. Abbott says he got them a yard glass. The National Gallery points out the yard glass has mixed Lager, Stout, Red Wine and G&T in it. Abbott says they’re sharing the yard glass with some other departments as a merger. The National Archives, National Portrait Gallery and National Library don’t mind, insists Abbot. It’s a cocktail! The Public Service asks where the garnish was, Abbott says he sold it to another table. It’s still a cocktail!
Students: *mutters* “Molotov”.
Students: “Mazel Tov!”
Abbot: “Same to you!”
Abbot: *aside, to Liberal Party* “Can we move these foreign students to the Manus Island table? Get some ANU campuses over there, the rates will be cheaper”
Abbot: *aloud* “Remember, students, I’ve got you a XXXX Gold now; but as soon as you’re working you owe me three Harvey Wallbangers, right? Unless you take a long time to get a job, then it’s four.”
Abbott then burps loudly, doesn’t excuse himself, and steps outside to urinate on a tree.
Tags: 2014 budget, professor von explaino